Two Steps Behind (thoughts on my sister's departure for university)

Eighteen and a half years ago, the world’s biggest drama queen was born, and her name was Bethany. 22 months later, she gained a younger sister, who also had melodramatic tendencies, but not enough to steal the crown of the world’s biggest drama queen. This sister was called Eliza, and she was me.

This morning, Bethany left to go to university in Wales, four hours away. Where there were two, there is now one. Bethany and I haven’t always gotten on very well. When I was about five, she used all my blue water-colour paint to write out the word “Cinderella” and I still haven’t quite forgiven her. On the rare occasions that I actually convinced her to play dolls with me, she would spend the entire time doing their hair, dressing them up, when all I wanted to focus on was the story. We disagreed on most things. But, in spite of her always stealing my make-up, and using my laptop without asking, she’s my sister, and even though she’s only been gone ten hours, I miss her.

Being homeschooled for most of my life, my sister was my best and only friend. She drove me completely mental, all the time, because we were so different, but she’s still the one who’s been there for my entire life, and now she’s gone.

Like it or not, Bethany was one of my greatest influences. She was the oldest: the first to walk, the first to read, the first to leave. I was always two steps behind, and now I’m walking alone.

Who am I without her? Who am I when I don’t have anyone’s mistakes to learn from? I’m me, and I know who I am, but I don’t know who I am when I’m the only child left. She’s 22 months older than me, and she’s an adult, so where does that put me?

Where do I fit into her life now? She’s going to make so many friends that I’m never going to meet, and she’s going to have so many boyfriends that I’m never going to scare… She’s going to have an entire life that I'm not part of. But my life will be pretty much the same as the one she knew me to have: I’ll go to the same school, I’ll have the same friends, I’ll have the same teachers, the same problems, the same house, the same family, the same self. She’s leaving me behind, she’s moving forward. I’m staying right here. And maybe that’s okay.

Life changes for different people at different times. Everything’s sped up for her right now, but maybe it will be my turn soon, and maybe it won’t. That’s the thing about life: we never know what’s around the corner, we never know where we’re going to go next, or who we’re going to see, and we never know who we’re going to become.

I've lost my sister for a while, but maybe by stepping out of her shadow, I will be able to fully become my true self.